Hope
by bessorla
Summary: Will's life was changed for the worst when he and Lyra unwillingly parted soon after they found each other. Four years later, he only lives in Hope of seeing her again; and may be able to, when Mary Malone finds a way.
1. The Impossible Hope

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own His Dark Materials; it is credited to the wonderful imagination of Phillip Pullman.

**A/N:** There was a lot of wibbling here before, and for that I apologize. This chapter has been revised, although nothing is drastically changed. Please review.

Chapter 1 The Impossible Hope 

            The boy slowly entered the garden, looking around and noticing the newly planted roses. A feline walked close by. The boy couldn't see her, but he could feel her. He wandered purposefully towards the back of the garden, while seeming to avoid that spot and something else in his heart - one could see this as plain as day on his face, if there had been anyone else in the small botanical paradise. The boy finally walked to the stone bench, looking down on it and not sitting. He checked his watch – thirty seconds till midday. Looking up at the sun, he speculated whether she was seeing the same brilliant orb. He glanced at his watch again. Seeing that he only had ten seconds, he lowered himself slowly onto the bench. The previously invisible feline appeared at his side and curled up beside him on the bench. They stared at each other, the familiar and intense pain evident on both their expressions. Against his will a memory crept into his mind. The last time he had seen her. Four years ago. Unable to hold it in, the boy started crying silently. Tears streamed down his face in turrets, his shoulders shaking, and yet he made no noise. He looked down at the feline and saw she was crying, too, the memory of her lost love still fresh, despite the unending passage of time. He finally stopped long enough to whisper four words that were lost on the summer wind.

            "I love you, Lyra."

            He looked down again and steeled his feelings, as he had learned to do over the years. He now only broke down at the same time each year, unable, or perhaps unwilling, to push away his memories of his soul mate. Eventually he stood; he had stopped crying and set his jaw in a determined clench as he headed out of the garden, the feline following out of sight again.

***

            Will entered the small flat that was located just off the bustling Main Street of London. He walked through the small, neat sitting room into the kitchen, with the intentions of making lunch. He made an omelet for himself, smiling slightly as he remembered Lyra's reaction to her first omelet. Normally he wouldn't allow himself such a thought, but today was different, it was the one day of the year he allowed himself to feel connected to her, to acknowledge the past. And what a past it had been.

            Settling himself at the kitchen table, the feline, his dæmon, Kirjava, sat on the table next to his plate. She peered at him with her eyes that looked like pools of ink that were filled with pain. He was sure the hurt in his eyes looked just as intense, if not more.

            "It's today," she said quietly.

            "Yes."

            He began to cut his omelet and eat; giving some to the cat with the brilliant coat that would reveal multiple colors in the right light.

            "I don't know if it's worth it."

            He looked at her with a dazed stare of confusion, even though he knew exactly what she was talking about.

            "I don't know what you mean."

            "Yes, you do," she said insistently. He sighed resignedly. 

"We go through this every year."

"I know."

"You also know why we don't do what we've been thinking of doing for the past four years."

It was her turn to sigh. "We hold onto an impossible hope. It will never happen. We'll never see them again."

"Hush," he said harshly, "Imagine what Pan would say if he heard you say that."

"Imagine what Lyra would say if she saw how you survived through the year, refusing to acknowledge her existence constantly, except for one day of the year, and only remembering because she told you to. It's pathetic." she retorted in the same hard tone.

He couldn't bear it anymore. But he refused to let the pain rule him.

"She would be happy that I wasn't dwelling on the past," he said fiercely. "Don't say anything else about it."

He returned to eating his meal in silence, subconsciously adding another thing to the list of things he refused to think about. He couldn't help but be worried about Kirjava. She was a part of him, after all. But ever since he had been separated from his soul, his Kirjava, they had become distant; and moved and thought as separate entities rather than as one. If she decided she couldn't suffer anymore and let the pain overtake her, he knew she would destroy both their lives by ridding herself of her mortal coils. He would still be alive afterward, but more like the walking dead. Like poor Tony Makarios and his Ratter.

He shook himself mentally of these thoughts and pushed them, as he had all the thoughts in connection with Lyra, back to his subconscious where he didn't have to think on them willingly. Only in dreams, or rather, nightmares, could he return to this train of thought. And his memories of her.

He still dreamed of her often. He couldn't bar his thoughts as he slept. Her sweet face, confident voice, and strong will always appeared in his dreamt conversations with her. They were his favorite aspects of her character. Usually he would dream of their reunion – in his world or hers. Their dæmons were there, as well, and the four of them would converse with and stay near each other, speaking of love, happiness, of their adventurous past and of better times to come. Lately, though, his dreams of their reunion were slightly disturbing and unnerving.

Being a boy of sixteen, Will's body, as well as his thoughts, had changed. He dreamt of a more passionate reunion with a slightly older Lyra – he would awaken still feeling the after-effects of the dreams, embarrassed with his body's reaction while rushing to the bathroom for a shower with water that was drastically colder than the temperature he normally showered at. He felt it was an insult to Lyra's memory if he were to act upon his body's whims, using her innocent face as his encouragement.

_No_, he thought to himself, pushing his chair back from the table and picking up his cleared plate, _I will not think of that right now_.

After rinsing off his dish and washing his hands, splashing some water in his face, Will walked into his tiny room and proceeded to take out his History homework. He went into the sitting room and fell back on the couch ungracefully. He was suddenly hit with another memory he had tried to repress. This one was not of Lyra, however. It was of his mother. Right now he was remembering how his mother would help him with his homework when he was younger. Whenever he would whine and ask her why he should do it, since he would rather be watching his favorite superhero program on television, she would smile gently and brush back a lock of hair from his forehead, telling him softly that the smarter he was, the more clever he would be when trying to elude the enemies. He had long known that there weren't any real enemies, but he hadn't wanted to disappoint his mother, so he would obediently open his books and start his homework, asking for her help occasionally. He knew now that he was still obeying her in the present, even though he didn't have any enemies, and his mother could no longer supervise him.

She had died a little over two years ago. Already unstable with her late husband's disappearance ten years before Will disappeared for a long time, she had crossed the line from slight insanity – where she would still come back to herself occasionally – to complete madness; she lived in a world of shadows; not unlike the city of Cittagazze in another universe, where enemies constantly chased her and no one could save her, not even Will. By the time he had returned, his mother's caretaker had placed her in a mental hospital, where she could be taken care of fully. And then, more than two years before on the anniversary of his father's disappearance, she had suffocated herself with her own pillow.

Now Will's mother lived only in the back of his mind; easier to not think of and remember because she had never been there for him completely in her mind and soul.

He sighed as he opened his History text. Only today of all days he felt he was going to sink into a deep depression. The only way to stop him from being consumed by it was to avoid it. He threw himself whole-heartedly into reading a chapter on dictators in Latin American countries.

An hour later he was deeply engrossed in the horrific history of the Trujillo era when the front door of the small flat burst open, revealing a flustered dark hair woman who was looking frantic and wild-eyed. He thought he saw what looked like pure ecstasy and hope etched on her fine features.

"Will!" she exclaimed. She dropped her shoulder bag and rushed over to him, her eyes twinkling. Mary Malone hadn't looked so excited or happy in years, and Will couldn't help feeling his spirits lift by her exultant mood.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I think – I think I've found a way!"

"A way to what?"

_"To Lyra's world."_


	2. The Constellation Project

**DISCLAIMER:** His Dark Materials belongs to Phillip Pullman and affiliates. No copyright or trademark infringement intended. However, this story is my pathetic attempt to continue his wondrous work. It belongs to me.

**A/N:** The Plot Bunnies attacked me at three a.m. for this. Thanks for the reviews, they are very much appreciated; and flattering when you're getting them eight months after the first posting.

Chapter Two 

**The Constellation Project**

            "I don't believe you," Will said flatly. It had been too many years of hope, disappointment and pain for him to staunchly believe Mary had actually found a way to a parallel universe.

            Mary closed her eyes in grief over Will's disillusionment. "Will, I—"

            "No," he said fiercely. "I refuse to believe something that isn't true. It's not possible to travel to a parallel universe without the Subtle Knife." It was his turn to clench his eyes shut against the anguish he only allowed himself to feel on this particular day of the year. "Dreams can only last so long," he said in a quieter voice.

            Mary's heart wrenched at the boy's admission of the pain that had gripped him for so long. It wasn't fair one so young could feel so hopeless.

            "Please, Will," she said softly. "I'm not trying to fill you with false hope. Please," she said again, "if you'll just come with me—"

            "No!" he exclaimed, jumping up with his eyes blazing and fists clenching in fury. "You've done this too many times! I'm not going to listen to your false promises any longer. I can't believe you'd do this _today_, of all days. I can't take it!" With that, he whirled around and started stomping away to his small bedroom.

            "Wait, Will!" Mary shouted. "Stop acting like a baby! Imagine if your mother, or even your father could see you like this right now." Mary knew it was cruel of her to mention his parents in order to catch his attention in this way, but she had to do something to make him believe her. He slowly turned around, his eyes still smoldering in upset.

            "How could you bring them up?" he asked in a strained voice barely above a whisper. "I-I can't deal with this right now."

            "You don't _have_ to," she said. "Come with me, I'll explain everything."

            He took a deep breath, "Fine," he said resignedly.

***

            "It's the most amazing thing," Mary said, in a placating voice, glancing over at Will, who was sitting in the passenger seat of the small sedan.

            "Sure," he muttered tonelessly, staring out the window unseeingly. Mary could tell he didn't believe her, and probably thought her discovery would be a fluke, just as all the others had been. She shook her head sorrowfully and concentrated on driving to the lab.

            Mary Malone had floated from one job to the next, mostly in laboratories; and in much more junior positions than the steady job that she had held, up to the day a young, fierce girl had burst into her office and interrupted her work.

            Since she had committed fraud and resisted governmental authority four years before, she had been unable to obtain a position barely above that of an intern. She made very little salary to go in day after day to check on experiments, record observations, and be gawked at by her colleagues, who thought she was a criminal. Her record stated she was, what with destroying a scientific facility and creating thousands of dollars worth of damage. 

            Knowing she could never fit in or gain respect from this world, she was constantly on the scent for any scientific discovery's that were even close to what she had worked on prior to her first trip to a parallel universe. 

            And she had found something.

            After showing her badge to the security officer in the parking lot entrance, and driving up to the building she'd been working in, she led Will into the small sterile building where she'd been tending experiments of little importance for scientists whose egos exceeded their intelligence, in Mary's opinion. 

            Will obediently and quietly followed her to the end of a long hallway with bleached white walls and fluorescent lighting to a set of elevators. Upon stepping into the elevator, Mary took out a pass for restricted zones that belonged to her superior and inserted it into the only slot for such a thing, pressing the button labeled "B-12".

            Will had seen the card and assumed correctly that her boss had no idea Mary had it. "Mary," he said warningly, "if you get in trouble—"

            "I won't," she said, cutting him off mid-sentence. "I'll return it when we're finished here, before my superior knows it's missing."

            Will said nothing, but he gazed critically at the dark-haired woman beside him. He knew she had trouble finding a decent job because of her record, and that if she were to get caught breaking any rules she may never work up to the level of respectability she'd previously held back when she worked with "dark matter".

            They stepped off of the elevator into a large, cavernous room that was enveloped in darkness. Mary flipped a switch off to the side and the room was thrown into the same bright fluorescent light found in the corridors, but this was not what made Will gasp loudly.

            In the center of the vault-like room stood an enormous metal structure that was most likely a computer centered around a large metal arch that held many great orbs in the frame. Mary watched Will's widened eyes take in every detail of the arch and the platform on which it was placed with a sense of contentment and excitement. This would be what he deserved – what they both deserved if it could successfully transport them to the world of humans and dæmons. 

            "What is it?"

            "They call it _Polaris_. You and I would call it a portal of sorts."

            "Why – why… _Polaris_…?"

            Mary smiled at Will's sputtering. "Polaris is the name of the north star. Back when sailors didn't use compasses, they used the north star to navigate. _Polaris_ is named because all other portals lead to it."

            "There are _more_?"

            "From what I gather on the computer that runs _Polaris_, they've established portals only in two other worlds, Lyra's, and one we haven't encountered yet, which they call Ophelias."

            "So the scientists you work for have created and established portals in three worlds…"

            Mary snorted. "Not exactly. It seems that the portals, or the Constellation Project, as it's called, are headed by a top secret research team that are using the space more than the _highly_ _intelligent_ scientists here. They've no idea the portal is here."

            "Is it the government, or…?"

            "That's something I haven't been able to figure out," Mary said, scowling. "I know the director is a man named Richard Burke, but I have no idea who he reports to. He may be heading this privately, and then offer to sell the Constellation Project to the highest bidder."

            Will walked over to where Mary was standing, by the computer, inspecting it closely, "Why is it called the Constellation Project?" he asked, turning to the slight woman, brows furrowing.

            "The other portals are named after constellations. _Orion_ in Ophelias and _Dorado_ for Lyra's world."

            "What do they call Lyra's world?" Will asked, gazing at the arch once more.

            "Dæmonatia, for obvious reasons."

            Will walked toward the arch, stepping onto the platform and looking at one of the orbs surrounding him closely. It was obsidian in color. Will thought he briefly saw an ethereal flash of multiple colors, but it could have been the reflection of the pale lighting. He finally turned back to Mary Malone, who was still standing by the computer.

            "How did you discover all of this?" he asked, perplexed.

            She started to pace, crossing her arms over her chest as she did so. "I haven't been completely honest with you, Will. I know we agreed that day that we would leave it all behind us, but I couldn't. I always searched for the way back," she said.

            Will nodded. He remembered that day, it had been the day they'd come back from Lyra's world. He knew he hadn't left it behind, either.

            "Every job that I've taken in the past four years, I've made sure to find out everything about what that company was involved in at the time. The reason why I've never held onto a job for long is because I kept purposefully leaving. Then there were the… false alarms." She paused, as if to allow Will to process the information, and then continued.

            "I've gotten into all the restricted areas of multiple labs across the county, where I would either find nothing, or something like a remote possibility." She stopped pacing and turned towards him, smiling slightly. "Remember the first time I dragged you into a 'remote possibility', Will?"

            Will nodded again. He'd been just as excited as she when she'd brought him to one of the labs she worked in when he was twelve, just a few months after their return. Mary had found some sort of file that mentioned the 'dark matter' project she'd been working on before, and instead of investigating it thoroughly, she'd gotten Will immediately, thinking that that was it – a way to Lyra's world without creating Specters or holes for Dust to leak out of.

            Unfortunately it had only been a mention of the project in passing, and led nowhere. Will had sunk into a depression similar to the one he'd had upon their return to their world months earlier. After that, Mary was much more careful in her search for a way to travel to different worlds.

            "Anyway, I did the same here, by swiping that restriction zone pass that my boss never uses, and discovered the arch. Everything I've learned about the project I've learned through that computer," she said, gesturing mildly towards the hulking machine.

            "But the computer couldn't have had open access, that would be careless," Will mused.

            "Right you are, Will. I had to make a more daring move and copy the access information from one of the research team members. Nearly got caught that time," she said dreamily, staring beyond Will to her own harrowing adventures in the recent past.

            Will couldn't help the grin that spread across his face. He ran over to Mary Malone and hugged the mildly surprised woman. They didn't normally engage in such familial acts. Will stepped away from her, still smiling.

            "So, when do we leave?"

***

**A/N: **I suppose another disclaimer is needed here for the portals. Portals between worlds is not my invention, it's been done many times before. The clearest example in my mind is similar to 'Stargate', but I honestly don't remember anything else of that movie or series, other than the fact that it had portals.

I have decided I will need a beta-reader if I wish to continue this. If anyone's interested, please email me or say so in your review. It shouldn't be too hard of a job, as I seem to take long breaks in-between chapters. Being familiar with the HDM trilogy is a must.

Please review. I'm trying to form in my own mind how Lyra might have changed in the last four years. If you would, please tell me how you imagine Lyra is now, after four years since the events in HDM. Thanks!


	3. Dorado

DISCLAIMER: _His Dark Materials_ belongs to Philip Pullman and affiliates.

Chapter Three

**Dorado**

Mary smiled, but spoke seriously.  "I know you want to leave right now, Will, but we have to think ahead."

            "About what?" demanded Will, glancing impatiently at the portal.

            "We need to settle our affairs here, take you out of school, gather resources, and we may want to consider getting Kirjava," Mary reminded him.

            "Oh, of course," Will said sadly, although he did understand Mary's reasoning. He turned towards the elevator and gasped, exclaiming, "Mary!"

            Mary looked up from the computer monitor and saw a glowing green light above the lift, indicating someone was on it and descending to their level.

            She cursed. "They must have picked us up on surveillance. Will – hide!"

            Will looked around frantically. The only equipment the room contained was _Polaris_. His gaze fixed on it at the same time as Mary's.

            "We'll have to–" he started.

            "I know," she said. "But what about Kirjava?"

            "It's okay, we've been worlds apart before. She'll be fine. We have to go now – if we don't, they'll catch us!"

            Mary snapped back to the computer as a bell intoned the arrival of whoever was stepping off the elevator. She hit one last key and jumped beside Will, who was standing before the portal as the dark spheres started to generate a blinding energy that connected in the archway of the portal.

            "Now!" Mary shouted. She and Will jumped onto the platform away from angry shouts behind her, and they both entered the portal without looking back.

            Silence rang throughout the chamber as the light dissipated in the portal. Men in lab coats stared at the place where the intruders had disappeared. A dark bearded man turned to the closest scientist, who pensively contemplated the portal.

            "Get me Burke!" he barked, and the quiet man picked up the phone next to the computer and dialed without protest.

            The other scientists seemed to be suspended in place by their shock. They collectively started as the head of research spoke again.

            "Right, the rest of you figure out where they went and see about preparing for an exploration to that world. We're going to find those people and retrieve them." He stared intently at the innocuous portal, jaw clenching, but visibly satisfied with his authority over the men around him. "Dr. Rolin, do you have him yet?"

            Rolin looked up from the phone. "Yes sir, Mr. Burke is aware of the situation."

            Dr. Lennox, head of research for the Constellation Project, took the phone from Rolin wordlessly to speak to his superior.

***

            Mary and Will emerged from the portal in Dæmonatia in relief. Mary's dæmon rested on her shoulder, and Will glanced away from the sight, disquieted by a sense of emptiness. Even though it was not painful to be separated from Kirjava, her absence was still poignant in his heart.

            _Dorado_, the portal to Lyra's world, was housed in a massive cavern that looked to be underground. As far as Mary knew, there hadn't been any disturbances caused by their arrival. Whoever ran this facility probably didn't expect intruders to come from the very thing they guarded heavily from outsiders. 

            There appeared to be only one exit from the dark room, and Will stepped off the portal towards it. As soon as his foot had touched the ground a whirring noise could be heard from somewhere beyond the door. Will paused, and he and Mary waited a few tense minutes before deciding the noise was coincidental.

            The silence compounded on them as they exited the cavern and entered a long, unlit corridor.

            "I wish we'd had more time to plan this," Mary said, brow furrowing. "I wish I knew more about the portals and their locations before coming here."

            "Too late now," Will said, not managing to hide his pleasure in their hasty escape.

            "Don't get ahead of yourself, Will," the young scientist said critically. "We haven't reached Lyra yet. For all we know, we could be very far away from Oxford. We have to take this one step at a time, and focus on finding a way out of this place without getting caught before thinking about looking for her."

            "Okay," Will said agreeably, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he walked. Mary shook her head and hid her smile.

            The two inter-world travelers passed through a maze of corridors, searching for anything that might lead to an exit. The distant whirring noise they had heard upon arrival had not ceased.

            Turning from one dark passage to the next, Will held Mary back as he heard the distant sound of someone speaking in the darkness. The voice faded, and Will gestured to Mary to follow it silently. She nodded and they crept along the corridor as quietly as possible, cringing when the floor beneath scraped against loose rocks they tread on.

            Mary and Will followed their unseen guide, unwittingly getting closer when the person would stop talking, and freezing at the proximity they had gained to the person when the low voice spoke again.

            "Absolutely ridiculous," Mary heard clearly ahead, grabbing Will's arm to stop him from moving. "Intruders indeed," the man's voice muttered, continuing on his way. Mary let out a breath she'd been holding before the resumed following the guard.

            After another tense fifteen minutes of silent pursuit, the unlit corridors gradually became lighter and clearer to their eyes. Before long Mary and Will could see the outline of the guard in front of them, a dark bulge on his shoulder presumably his dæmon, and who he had been talking to.

            Mary looked at the Alpine chough on her shoulder which hadn't communicated to her yet and glanced at Will, wondering if he was worried about Kirjava. How would they travel through Lyra's world without drawing attention to the fact that Will looked to be a severed child?

            _Later,_ she thought, shaking herself of these worries. As she had told Will earlier, they had to focus on the situation at hand. 

            By this time the guard had reached a nondescript door and pulled out a card-key to put into a slot beside it, passing through once the door opened. Will rushed forward to grab the door before it shut. He stared at the card-key slot and looked at Mary to see his confusion mirrored in her face. Why was technology from their world being used in the dæmon world?

            Will peeked through the open door and went through it once he had determined there was no one in the room beyond. They entered another cavern similar to the one housing _Dorado_, but much smaller in size and it was obviously an exit to outside the facility. An enormous vault door stood in imposing steel, flanked by large, thick windows that had sunlight streaming through them, and a view of a city that could be seen in the distance.

            "Looks like the guard left," Mary said, approaching the card-key slot and giving it a closer look.

            Will wasn't listening. He was gazing out the bullet-proof glass to the city beyond. He hadn't really registered that he had traveled to another world for the first time in four years, the first time without the Subtle Knife. Somewhere beyond this cavern, perhaps in the city that lay before them, Lyra was there. Something was restored and strengthened in his heart at that thought, only slightly dampened by a belated feeling of guilt.

            "Mary," Will said quietly, "When – when we went through, did we create a specter?" he asked, still gazing out at the world beyond.

            Mary stepped up beside him and watched a lone starling wheel about in the sky. "I'm not sure," she said truthfully. "It's actually one of the main reasons I wished we had more time to plan for this, because I didn't study the portals thoroughly. The Subtle Knife rent a window between worlds, which caused the specter to appear. The portals gather Dust in the spheres – you saw that when we were about to go through – and uses it to transport objects from one world to the next. I don't know all of the reactions behind it, but I don't think it does create specters.

            "My theory, from as much as little as I've learned about the portals, is that they send concentrated Dust to each other. Do you remember telling me about the world of the dead, and how we all become Dust once we pass through it? It's similar to that, except the Dust doesn't scatter, it's sent and reconstructs whatever it's carrying at the other end. Namely, us."

            "We became Dust?" Will asked incredulously.

            "Yes, I think we did," Mary said, inspecting the hills in the distance.

            "The feeling – I've never felt like…" 

            "I know. I imagine we, and anyone who has gone through the portals, has gotten a taste of what it'll feel like after we die."

            Will fell silent, amazed at the revelation.

            Mary turned to him. "But enough about that. We have to find a way out of here, and then, to Lyra."

***

A/N: My beta Mia asked about something Will says, in that he and Kirjava have been worlds apart before, so to clear up confusion: When Lyra (and Will, although unwittingly) left their daemons on the shore to travel to the world of the dead, they could travel quite independently:

"Some of us will remain here for a little while, and we shall need you to let us into Lord Asriel's world, because he might need out help. What's more," he went on somberly, looking at Lyra, "you'll need to travel there yourselves, if you want to find your daemons again. Because that's where they've gone." –John Parry, _The Amber Spyglass_, Chapter 26, 'The Abyss', page 362 (Hardcover Edition)

Many thanks for all the reviews and to Sorina and Mia for beta-ing.


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